Dating is always an uncomfortable, exciting and awkward adventure. I do not claim to know anything about it , however these are a few tricks of the trade I have learned firsthand or witnessed while spying from behind the bar.
1) If you come into the bar and order a single malt islay and she order a long island ice tea , she’s too young for you bro!!
2) Do not . I repeat DO NOT over spritz. You are offensive. You smell like your grandpa after he lost his sense of smell and his sense of personal space . Some family traditions should not be passed on. Find one subtle smell and stick with it.
3) I recently heard a tale of a guy who was on a date and got up and left while the girl was in the washroom. He left because he was certain she was going home after dinner without him. This is rude. You are rude. You are the type of guy who orders coors light at the bar . You have a collection of flower patterned board shorts and affliction t shirts to match your white rimed Oakleys. At the bar you brag about how much you can lift but your Instagram is packed full of selfies with the hashtag #gains. You spend more time looking in the mirror than pumping anything but your ego. You eat dinner every Sunday at your mothers, pasta, clearly. All the while she coddles you and reaffirms that no woman will love you as much as she will. You refer to your friends as “brosef” and have a tattoo that says “familia” and so do your bros because your loyal. You are the worst. Hit the bricks.
4) If your the couple that is making out at the bar, you have been here 30 minutes too long. If you sense things are heating up , theres no shame in taking things home. The group of colleagues next to you at the bar do not need to hear you whispering weird things to each other while he “not-so-subtly” gropes you. Gross, your mother is ashamed of you. So am I. Also if you think that I’m not making fun of you , you’re wrong. I totally am . So is everyone else. Have some grace and take her home.
5) If you ever find yourself in a situation where you you could help or hinder your chum with a member of the opposite sex, always choose help. Cockblocking is atrocious. This is not just a male problem, the lady equivilant of beaver damming is just as terrible. If you need to stand in the way of your pal paving the way for what will lead to the fork in the road of either a beautiful romance or a sweaty tear stained pile of shame, you guide him or her down that alley. If you need to chat to the ugly counterpart about their latest venture to see grampa at the home ,who again got caught for sexually harassing his nurse, you chat the hell out of them. It is your duty as a loyal soldier to distract while their friend falls head over heel in lust. Now go forth and divide and conquer !!!
6) If you chat girls up at the bar , assuming things are going swimmingly and try to impress with expensive shots of top shelf liquor but than last second when you get the idea that she is going to go back to her friends and instantly forget about you , do not try to push the expensive shots on her tab. You should especially not mutter the words ” woman fought for the right to pay for their own drinks…”. Its rude and you are a poor loser. If you were more of a gentleman , she would be all yours.
7) If when your date goes to the bathroom, you check your tinder, its not going well. Bow out like gentleman and stop ruining the vibe of the bar . We all see how terrible your date is going . We’re uncomfortable. You’re uncomfortable. So is your date. Your bartender is making fun of you . So is everyone else. Stop. Go home.
8) Coyote Ugly. The struggle is real. If you wake up in the morning with zero to no memory of the night before, only to look over and realize your not alone in that bed, you have two options : you could risk waking up the swamp donkey in the bed next to you , or you could literally chew your own arm off. If you want to avoid coyote ugly syndrome, work in teams. Never let your friend do something you wouldn’t do , unless you’ve asked them minimum 2 times or it will be hilarious in the morning for you, then let the rukus happen.
9) If you spend your entire night bopping from person to person in hopes that the next one who tolerates your presence is going to be better than the last , only to discover that the first one you talked to is the only one who will leave with you, please do humanity and favour and don’t procreate. You have no moral compass or regard for anyone around you. Moral of the story : no one likes you. Get a better personality.
10) The art of Ghosting is time tested and usually successful. If approached delicately, you can fade into the surroundings with none being the wiser. If it proves to be unsuccessful, there is always smoke bombs to make a fantastic , albeit , sad departure!
Hit the Bricks , Loppers !
Cheers , XO
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