Well that time of the year is upon us again. Everyone is sugar high and jumping on the murdery bandwagon, while I sit around pining for the Grinch and Jack Frost to nip at my nose ! I am in no way anti-halloween , however I am constantly disappointed with the night. Much like New Years Eve , I assume people will step their game up and put some real thought into their presentation. Heres my annoyances for the holidaze. Enjoy!
1) Why is everything so sexy during this holiday ? You don’t see people trying to be sexy on St. Patricks Day! Theres not sexy pot of gold costumes mingling with sexy Guinness costumes chatting about the cute butt on the the guy dressed as irish beef stew! Why you ask? Because making weird inanimate objects sexy is the reason TLC is even a network !
So please note that for everyone who comes in as a sexy cat or a sexy nurse or a sexy elmo… your drink order will be followed with a sigh and a head shake. However, loophole : if you come in as a “sexy something” that makes me laugh … ei. sexy washing machine… sexy toblerone…. sexy beaver … sexy diva cup… sexy abortion… i will serve you with a smile!! Get creative kids!
2) People who think popcorn balls or pretzels are a delicious halloween treat , you are wrong and should reconsider all your life decisions. Your gross.
3) Chippendales. If every year you throw on a damn bowtie and cuffs to go with your perpetual nudie instas in the gym, you need a little more imagination. Maybe try being Chris Farley as a chippendale. A classic SNL throwback and tribute to a great comedian. Rub some white powder on your face and your set for the night!
4) The jerks who give out king size chocolate bars. Who do you think you are ? are you so insecure that you need to shame the entire neighbourhood? Sure the kids love ya but you just singlehandedly gave little Penelope type 2 diabetes ! So what , the Hansons down the way leave their trash cans out too long and the Millers never mow their lawn on time , does that justify poor Penelopes condition you heartless garbage person??? For shame. Go to confession you indecent weasel .
5) Ok lets talk about cans of pop ! Whats that about ? What makes you think its ok to chuck your diet RC cola into little Bennys sac of joy ? Now not only is his costume a disaster from having to wear his heavy snowsuit under his crappy Iron Man costume, but now you have made the terrible choice of breaking his arms with your hefty liquid sugar. Way to be. You ruined his good time.
6) If you are a dentist , you are banned from Halloween. Consider it a conflict of interest. Not that there is too much interest in your life to begin with , your life goal was to stare into peoples mouths. A toothbrush is not a sugary snack. Neither is a pencil or apple. Yuck.
7) If i see one more picture on Facebook of a baby in a pumpkin , I’m gonna kill myself.
8) 4 words : Rocky Horror Picture Show. If you haven’t, you need to .
9) Stormtrooper and Leia, Hunter and doe, Restaurant owner and cook … I don’t care what you are dressed up as or how lame your sex life is , if you try to have sex in the bar , we will cockblock you and slow clap out out in the most humiliating fashion possible so you can feel the wrath of how filthy your terrible life choices are. Please be respectful and learn how to conduct yourself in society .
10) If you are going to do anything for halloween , you should come celebrate with us at Loplops. Cash prizes , shenanigans , and dancing the night away with the best staff in town. You will be judged and berated for your costumes choices. Choose wisely lunatics.
Hit the Bricks, Loppers!