The funny thing about bucket lists are they are usually complete nonsense you tell the people around you to impress them with your “aspirations” . It seems to be very rare to hear someones true bucket list. The list of things they want to do but the fear of it is stopping them. The completely attainable tasks or goals that they set for themselves and don’t ever voice. Much like the things people do when they are alone that they never speak of, but know everyone else does them too. I’m a firm believer that the world would be a much better place if everyone was honest about their weird quirks. So for your enjoyment, here is my true, honest , raw bucket list.

1) I want to fail miserably at stand up. Not for any other reason but to feel the honesty of it . One of my biggest pet peeves is comedians who rely on the basics and don’t branch out. I hate the reliance on race, religion and sexual orientation. I would much rather hear about what makes us all the same than what sets us apart. It seems to be an easy task, however it might be the hardest to tackle a topic and make it comical when its something we all know so well. To take something and make every single person in that room look at it form a different point of view. If you are capable of that, you my friend are a damn miracle.

2) Marry a complete stranger in vegas. At my age , everyone is either getting married or divorcing for the first time. There is so much pressure on the happily ever after and it seems that everyone is rushing without genuine happiness. My friends who are divorced , are just now finding their forever and its a beautiful thing. So why not get that mess out of the way so the pressure for forever is gone and you can just accept happy when it embraces you ? If thats not good enough, for the memories and sass alone ? Have you seen the ashton kutcher movie in vegas? C’mon.

3) Jump on the next plane. Why not? Wheres it going ? No idea ! Lets do it . Day trip ? Weekend getaway? In!! Lets just go and ignore responsibility and sanity for 2.5 seconds and eat shitty airplane food and stay in terrible motels . Sounds like a dream.

4) Eat a ridiculous amount on a first date . I would love to drop the pretences and politeness of a first date and just get gross about it . Im talking lobster bibs. Im talking full rack of ribs . Im talking about how much gross junk food you eat when your box of wine deep with your bff while watching The Golden Girls kinda gross. Sweat pants are essential.

5) To have that moment in life where you’re sitting in a super posh and professional office, at a beautifully crafted desk , and you hear the footsteps approaching the door just in time for you to build anticipation and slowly turn in the chair as you strongly say the words ” I’ve been expecting you…!”. Hairless cat optional , but preferred.

6) I would love to do a wine tour and document every random thought of the day and track my intoxication so i know for the future exactly how much wine it takes till i am no longer charming . My guess is one glass and one annoying tourist overusing the word “robust”, but hey they might catch me on a good day!

7) There is a restaurant chain called “Dicks Last Resort” , I would love to work there for one week.  I would like to find a groove with people of all ages. Sassing old and young on their terrible life choices and food choices clearly. Its a terrible restaurant food wise , but the pure cleverness of the staff to be able to banter with tables without swearing or crossing a line impresses me.

8) Write letters to all my favourite celebrities. no emails . actual letters. and not to gush about how great they are or how their roles have affected me, but just to tell them how my day went. Maybe tell them about walking Lily past that creepy house with that guy in the window, or watching that girl fall of her bike and not do a single thing about it . I feel like this is stuff that Tom Hanks would be interested in hearing. Maybe even Meg Ryan , she’s got nothing going on now, she probably wants to hear about my life.

9) I would like to put on a murder mystery night. I would like it to be on the Norgoma. No funny business, just awesome. Someone help me make this happen.

10) I would like to be able to put out a blog on a semi regular basis. I apologize for being gone. Life has fed me some weird apples lately and writing about them would not even do it justice. I promise the next blog will contain a few gems, you can decide if they are true or false! It’ll be a game !


Hit the Bricks, Loppers!