Well. Here we are. i figured it time i return to the inter webs. its been about two years since you’ve heard me bitch and complain. it is not gonna get better. if anything the complaints are going to get worse and my mother is going to be less proud , post by post .
Dear donna, please stop reading now. if you choose to read on, lets never talk about it .its full of curse words and sins. i love you and I’m sorry . for real.
here we go :
so this blog my friend is about dating. it is honestly my favorite form of comedy. the hoops and hurdles people go through for each other is inspiring and hilarious.
mom. stop. just share it on Facebook and tell people you’re proud of me…
there seems to be alot about dating that i do not comprehend. example: dick pics are a real thing. how?!
unsolicited anything is clearly unwelcome. dick pics are the jehovah witnesses of new age dating. i want to preface that with saying i am in no way shape or form trying to offend jehovahs. they are a lovely people. they are well meaning and determined to achieve their goal. much like the boys who send dick pics. the idea that one picture will drop panties is mindblowing to me. i might be wrong but as soon as that happens, i lock up. 110% . metal chastity belt style. i also become the worlds most social human when an unsolicited dickpic rolls in. call me the Oprah of dick pics. . everyone i know gets a copy. I guess it all has to do with the accessibility of today. i can put my name on the line to say that before picture messaging , i am sure that men did not take polaroid stills of their members and snail mail their phallic art to their sweethearts so they can lock down a little nooky at the next sock hop.
Theres also dating key words that make me want to vomit into your purse. example: lover
when people refer to their significant order as their “lover” , instant hate takes over my entire body and makes me want to ruin your existence. you are a creep . what kind of pretentious asshole are you that you are above the word boyfriend/girlfriend , partner , significant order , better (worse) half. if you need to use the word lover to talk about your relationship then heres a clue for you : they think you have a great personality. you are the kind of person that everyone at your office hates. you brown nose the boss and always finish the coffee without ever making a new pot. you preach about the use of cloth diapers and don’t have any kids. you claim you are gluten free , without having any goddamn clue what celiac disease is. oh and fyi : your “lover” probably has about 3 other “lovers” that you don’t know about. just pray the breakups happen before you use that word infront of me, otherwise were gonna have a good time.
Can we talk about couple fights at the bar ? my favourite thing in the entire thing in the universe is couples who chose to fight in public. as if thats a normal thing. i don’t care who you are , if you are choosing to fight with your SO in public, do society a favour and just end it . its gonna end, whether in a police report or sad grocery store flowers with a tragic letter about how you changed their lives. its gonna be over. so let me regale you with what happened last night : i enter the bar , there is a couple sitting at the bar. both one eyeing it . both just puddles of embarrassment sitting in front of glasses of melted ice which originally housed a jack and coke. ( I’m assuming because only terrible humans drink jack and coke.. come at me bro..!) after a few minutes of unrecognizable chatter… the greatest moment happened. the sentenced that changed my outlook on humanity. cue dumbfounded look on male face as female says “… and you know what ??? .. fuck you… fuck her…. fuck your sister … and you know what ??? fuck you forever !!!” she said FOREVER !!! i have never laughed so hard in all my life. side note : its karaoke night and there is the scrawniest white gangster i have ever witnessed rocking out to superman- eminem … he cannot keep up with the swiftness that eminem spits, however his sputtering went along perfectly with the tempo of this couple fight.
i have never been so thankful to be in a bar in my life. sometimes being the fly on the wall is what it takes to put your own life into prospective. fuck you forever. my god, that is gold.
Also can we talk about the sexual contract of the sea??? lobster. such a ridiculous date food !!!
as much as i love lobster , it is by far the worst date food out there ! it has this beautiful reputation of sophistication . in every movie ever , they show the long awaited date with the super sexy investment banker at the taj mahal of restaurants. the gentleman orders for the table, a beautiful vintage and lobster for two. they gaze into each other eyes over the soft light of the candles illuminating their beautiful meals. providing the perfect romantic ambiance for the special night. the scene closes with a warm fading pan out shot while they share a laugh . what hollywood doesn’t show you is the archaic maneuvers it takes to get to the sweet sweet meat inside the armour of the sea cockroach. they give you weapons to defend yourself against the critter. as you rip and crack the shells open, the juices spray all about , your hands are drenched no matter how well you use the weapons provided. you end up making weird faces the entire time due to the fact that you are in a fancy place and you don’t want to make a scene but your not sure how much strength its going to take to destroy the enemy without audible effort or smashing of any kind. and thats just to get the meat out! then the real atrocious part : you take your trophy meat and dunk it full heartily in a bowl of butter !!!
and still this is a sophisticated meal that is awed over in society! this is the only meal you can douse in butter and people still respect you . if i was to go to a restaurant and order a salad and when asked which dressing , i replied ” just a cup of melted butter please” no matter how polite or well dressed i was, i would be met with looks of disgust and shame. there is something so special about this delicious disgusting food. 1) suuuuuch a fatty meal. perfect 2) you can be a fatty , but people assume you’re fancy . 3) its looked upon with such rules. if you were to go on a date and he bought you a lobster , you almost always have to be that much nicer. basically guarantees a second date. now regardless of how you feel about the guy, you gotta close out the date with bare minimum a kiss. its a sick and twisted world we live and the safest thing to do is cower in your safe little box with netflix and crumbly cookies and forget the world. or you could snuggle your way through the absurdity. need help ? ask stamos !!!
Hit the bricks, Loppers !
xoxo Boudz !